5 Common Household Objects That Had Murder Sprees

5 Common Household Objects That Had Murder Sprees
By Darrin Jones / October 3

October is here which means my favorite holiday, ever, is approaching fast. So to prepare you all for the ghoulish Halloween season, I’ll be posting some spooky content. And what’s scarier then the most frightening creatures ever created by man: home furnishings! Okay, they may not sound all the deadly but here are five that managed to rack up the body count before finally voiding their warranty.

1. The Video Tape From The Ring (2002) / Ringu (1998)
 

The Ring was a critical success and for good reason, it was freaky as hell. Naomi Watts plays a journalist investigating the mysterious death of her niece. The investigation brings a cursed video tape into her life and that’s when things really get weird.

Method of Murder: Creepy Little Girls Crawling Out of Tvs
The Ring focused mostly on building the scary atmosphere. The characters are given seven days to solve the mystery behind the bizarre images on the video tape before being quite literally, scared to death. But when the movie finally flipped it’s murder switch no one in the audience saw it coming. To this day, it is still one of the most memorial moments in movie history.

Only too late do we understand the horrors of 3D televison!

Final Body Count: 2
What it lacks in numbers, it makes up for in style.

2. The Brass Lamp From Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes
 

The Amityville Horror was a box office success that broke new grounds in the horror genre. Unfortunately, it also spawned a series of sequels that quickly decreased in quality until finally accumulating in the made for television film Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes. While the strongest quality in the Amityville series was always the relationship between the unfortunate family that currently took up residence in the saga’s long standing haunted house, Amityville 4 focused mostly on one of the house’s lamps. Well it was an evil lamp. Of evil!

Method of Murder: Coincidence and Bad Luck
As you might imagine, when your go-to scary move is "lighting the room," it’s pretty hard to make a lamp seem intimidating. 

He's raising our electric bill, the fiend!

And as awesome as it would be to see a standing lamp hop around stabbing people with knives, it doesn’t happen. Instead the lamp just stands around letting people get themselves killed through increasingly convoluted ways. Near the end of the film, the lamp does get some points for being proactive and finally trying to strangle people with its extension cord. It then loses those points again when you realize the great evil was thwarted by being tossed out the freaking window.

All sales are final. No refunds.

Final Body Count: 3
But lets be honest here, if you get killed a lamp then you probably weren’t going to make it to your next birthday anyway.

3. The Computer From Ghost in the Machine (1993)

Ghost in the Machine tackles one of the scariest things to have come out of the 90’s. Oh wait, Beanie Babies were made in the 90's too. Well computers are a close second. Nowadays, most of us can't live without a sweet, sweet internet fix but back then not many people knew anything about computers or what they were capable of. After all, if a computer can print out a page of text that looks like boobies and play games like DOOM, why couldn’t it hold the digitized mind of a serial killer who died during a ct-scan in the middle of a thunderstorm?

I mean look at it, that’s got to be like, 2 megabytes of RAM there.

Method of Murder: Malfunctions
An unlucky family that was on a serial killer’s ‘to-do’ list before he died, finds themselves being harassed by a string of bad luck when their home computer is turned into an electronic ouija board. The small nuisances turn into catastrophic malfunctions which end up killing friends of the family one-by-one in increasingly improbable ways. Kind of like a precursor to the Final Destination franchise. 

I think the real horror here are the graphics of the 90’s.

Final Body Count: 4 
It just didn’t have the processor power to make it any higher. 

4. The Video Game From Stay Alive

Criminal computers? Too old fashion. Vicious videotapes? Get with the times grandpa. Everyone knows the real threat to humanity these days are video games. Yes, when video games aren’t rotting the mind or inciting violence in children, they’re harboring the souls of villainous witches bent on killing all that play her game, you know, for funnsies. And if you’re wondering how a witch from the 1800’s winds up in a video game, well, explanation isn’t the movie’s strong point.

Experience all the chills of watching someone play a video game.

Method of Murder: Whatever It Can Get Its Hands On
Video games have never been one for falling behind when it comes to creating inventive ways to maim the player; and Stay Alive is no exception. Whenever someone says the mystic oath that allows them to play the homicidal game, they find their characters dropped in the middle of a survival-horror rip-off where the odds are stacked against them. Inevitably, the player’s character is killed off in some horrible way which means a similar real death is on it’s way for the player.

Poor fool, he should've saved his BFG ammo.

Final Body Count: 8 
But that’s nothing compared to the bloodbath that is Super Mario Brothers. So many empty turtle shells. So many.

5. The Bed From Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Do I even need to say anything? Is there any explanation that you will accept? A lustful demon bleeds its essence on a bed forever cursing it to crave human flesh and eat anyone that sleeps in it. Yes, that is the whole plot. No, it doesn’t make more sense if you see it yourself.

But it is freaking hilarious.

Method of Murder: Digestion 
So you might be asking yourself how can a bed eat someone? Well turns out it’s pretty easy considering how many hapless victims get munched on. Rather then resorting to something cool like a mattress with teeth and a sheet that turns into a tongue, the bed skips all the foreplay and goes right to dumping folks into a waterbed-sized container of acid. 

Needless to say, some folks are a little off-put about this.

The only thing more absurd then the movie itself is its underground success. An ever growing cult-following is surfacing and it’s being propelled by internet personalities and comedians. The biggest bump has to be from pop-cultures’ best contribution to comedy, ever, Patton Oswalt.

Final Body Count: 15
Who knew beds were the most dangerous thing you could have in your home?