3 Comedians That Starred-in Horrible Movies (And 3 That Didn’t)

3 Comedians That Starred-in Horrible Movies (And 3 That Didn’t):
By Darrin Jones / July 10

Hey, you ever hear the one about the stand-up comedian that tried to star in a movie? I forget the joke but the punchline is it turned out bad. I mean really bad. For some reason, a half-hour comedic bit doesn’t really lend itself to a hour and a half long film with a poorly thrown together plot. Well, half the time. Actually for nearly every horrible  movie starring a stand-up comedian, there’s an equally hilarious movie starring a better stand-up comedian. Oh yeah, I went there. So here’s my top three horrible movies starring stand-up comedians. (And three that were hilarious.)

1. Dennis Miller

Now Dennis Miller is a pretty laid-back guy that built a career on long diatribe monologues about politics, pop culture, news, and whatever else happens to be bothering him. Miller takes a more intellectual approach to his metaphor enriched rants. And as a cynical comedian who berates the intelligence of his audience, I kind of like his stand-up. What can I say, I'm a sucker for pompous assholes that like to use big words. (Can't imagine why that is, visa ve, ergo, concordantly.) 

And then he starred in a movie. But he’s a man of good taste, surely he picked something that would appeal to his abilities with wordplay and observational humor. Or he could do some piece of crap Tales from the Crypt flick, that’s good too.

The horrible movie: Bordello of Blood

When soon-to-be love interest Katherine (as played by Erika Eleniak) finds her brother Caleb (Corey Feldman) has disappeared after going to a hidden local bordello, she hires sarcastic private investigator, Rafe Guttman (Dennis Miller), to find him.

Already you can see Miller’s raw acting talent.

The only problem? The bordello happens to be run by vampires! That's right, Miller goes from playing a wisecracking PI to a wisecracking vampire hunter.

It’s the subtle nuances in the film that really make it a classic.

Now, if you thought it was unlikely anyone would take Dennis Miller serious as a Private Eye, you have no idea how ridiculous it is to see him try to pull off badass monster slayer.

Never thought I’d miss Christian Slater’s performance from Alone in the Dark.

It does make me wonder what made Miller think the movie had any potential to launch him into any acting career or maybe he just stopped reading the script after he saw "topless women burst into flame after getting sprayed with Super Soakers filled with holy water."

2. Dave Chappelle

Dave Chappelle was an extremely talented comedian for his age. His energetic performance, racial observations and raw humor took the world by storm. He was so funny, he actually got a major role in Mel Brooks' Robin Hood: Men in Tights when Chappelle was only 19 years old. With how long Chappelle was bouncing around Hollywood, it was only a matter of time before he starred in his own movie. And it was pretty damn funny.

The hilarious movie: Half Baked

Thurgood Jenkins (Dave Chappelle) and his friends Brian (Jim Breuer) and Scarface (Guillermo Diaz) are forced into selling marijuana stolen from the lab where Thurgood works in order to bail their friend Kenny (Harland Williams) out of prison. Of course, becoming amateur drug dealers turns out to be harder then it sounds and the group is drawn into a conflict with a local drug lord, become part of a police investigation, meet a pot-smoking rapper and release the ghost of Jerry Garcia.

Did I mention Chappelle co-wrote the movie?

Half Baked really is the perfect topper of the pot humor genre. The jokes are hilarious, and Chappelle manages to pull double duty of playing Thurgood and the overblown rapper stereotype, Sir Smoke-a-Lot.

Only Dave Chappelle could pull this off.

For anyone that's a fan of Chappelle's standup and the Dave Chappelle Show, I highly recommend Half Baked. Although, have you ever watched Half Baked...ON WEED???

3. Carrot Top

Carrot-Goddamn-Top. Do I even need to say anything? Like some sort of horrifying space parasite, Carrot Top has burrowed himself deeply into 90’s culture; building his career on one gag: he’s not funny. Over-the-top prop shtick, self-deprecating jokes, and a migraine inducing voice. Carrot Top -- or ‘Scott Thompson’ if you feel the need to refer to him by his human name -- is the embodiment of non-comedy; the Dada of comedy if you will. But for some reason he was extremely popular. So much so that parodies of man became a sub-genre all to itself. But the most unforgivable assault on humor was when he starred in his own movie.

The horrible movie: Chairman of the Board

Carrot Top plays the spastic “genius” surfer/inventor, Edison. And if I put as many quotations marks on the word genius as I wanted, it would take up the rest of this paragraph. Through a convoluted series of events, Edison becomes the chairman of a company that churns out whacky invention after whacky invention. “Invention” meaning props that set up Carrot Top’s sloppy puns. Larry Miller tries injecting real humor into the flick as the movie’s antagonist but nothing amounts to anything and the whole experience is just one big waste of time.

Not funny!

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