5 Ways the Oscars Could Stop Sucking

5 Ways the Oscars Could Stop Sucking

By Matt Click / February 14

It's no secret that I absolutely loathe the Oscars. In fact, this might be the fourth or fifth time I've written a scathing article directed at the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. If the Academy was a person, I surmise that he/she would have taken out a restraining order against me by now. But restraining orders aside, the Academy isn't a person. It's barely even a group of people, really. At this point, it's more of a machine -- a rusty old machine that mindlessly hands out awards and puts on elaborate performance pieces with ballet dancers.

I mean, that's basically what the Oscars is now. I'll spare you my usual rant, but suffices to say, the Academy Awards is essentially a popularity contest where the people who are winning are more often than not the same sort of people who are voting. It's like in high school when the class president was some popular kid you didn't even like because the only people who bothered voting in the stupid school election were this kid's friends.

But it's easy enough to hate on the Oscars and point out what's wrong. But let's be constructive! Here's five simple ways the Oscars could not be so damn stupid anymore.

Hand Out Oscars Like Candy!

Last year, the Academy upped the number of Best Picture nominees to 10. The purpose behind this is obvious. It allows the Academy to nominate movies that have no chance in hell of actually winning. So when the next Batman movie loses to some crappy inspirational based-on-a-novel snooze-fest, the nerd community can shrug and go, "Well, at least it was nominated." Except that it wasn't even really nominated because it never stood a chance.

But here's an idea: if there's more nominees, can there be more winners? Maybe this devalues the winners. Maybe this makes winning Best Picture less of a "big deal." Maybe nobody cares and you'd be hard-pressed to find someone on the street who remembers more than a handful of best picture winners. Crash? Shakespeare in Love? Yeah, those are BP winners. Clearly the award doesn't mean that much in the first place, so feel free to hand out more than one.

Lose the Condescending Consolation Prizes

If there's a good movie that maybe deserves the BP win but isn't a "safe" enough choice, the Academy usually throws it a bone in the form of a Best Director or Best Screenplay win. But this only serves to lessen the importance of those categories, and makes the Academy seem petty and pandering (I mean, it is, but does it have to act like it?). It's like, "Don't be sad you didn't win, movie! See, you got yourself a nice Best Adapted Screenplay Oscar! That's right, turn that frown upside down, there's always next year."
Why is it always the same few movies nominated for everything each year? Branch out. I'd love to see a different movie win in every category.

Stop Giving Out an Oscar for Best Original Song

Seriously. Worst category ever. This one year, a song entitled "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" won. Just stop it forever please.

Pick Better Presenters

It's not that hard. The best parts of the Oscars are always when the funny presenters cut loose and start poking fun at each other. The worst parts of the Oscars are when some vapid actress with no personality wobbles up to the podium on 12-inch heels to read from a teleprompter.

Here's a good rule of thumb: is your presenter funny, amiable, and likable? Then please proceed. Is your presenter Kristen Stewart? Kindly go to hell.

Make it Shorter, Make it Casual, Make it NOT BORING

The Oscars go on and on and on and by the time Jack Nicholson staggers up to stare threateningly at American families through their television screens and drawl out "The Best Picture nominees are," most people are dozing off or seriously contemplating changing to channel to the home shopping network for something a little livelier. In a world where episodes of Bachelor Pad have agonizing three-hour run-times, is it too much to ask of the prestigious Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences that they put on a fun, brisk awards ceremony that everyone can enjoy? I mean, movies are fun to watch, right? Why can't an awards ceremony put on to celebrate the art of film be fun to watch?

The bottom line is this: cinema is an awesome thing, and I really wish that the Academy Awards realized this and was more of a celebration than a popularity contest. I wish actors and filmmakers could get up and talk candidly about movies they saw and liked over the course of the year. Sadly, that just isn't going to happen.

Meanwhile, the annual Oscars telecast will continue losing viewers by the millions every year, and the old white guys of the Academy will be left shaking their heads as to what to do about it.